Lately the topic of continuous conversation between my wonderful woman and I has been the subject of "manifesting" ( visualizing, verbalizing and living in the belief that what you hold in your heart and mind is either here now, or soon to be). This is a widely espoused and written about subject and hardly anything radical or new, yet, it is certainly MUCH easier to do intellectually, than it is to get so embedded in one's self that the believeing and knowing are second nature and thus maintained unconsciously. Case in point: Late last year, in the middlle of another bout of doubt, discontent and just plain old being weary of "more of the same", I spoke to myself (to the Universe...or whatever you'd like to call it) saying that I am a musician and will live the rest of my life BEING a musician and making my living by means directly or indirectly related to music. The next daily distraction came along and the episode was soon forgotten.
Now months later, as I am scanning my calendar to stay up with my schedule and responsibilties, it strikes me that other than one or two odd "handyman" jobs, my main source of income IS from music. Though I have been aware on a peripheral level of the change taking place, it seems to have just sunken in! Now, before you think I am doing a "HAPPY DANCE" around the room (I DON'T dance...ask my Lady...hehe) hold that thought for a minute. I am thankful to the highest degree I can be to be living what I "chose" that winter day last year. There is a certain satisfaction in knowing you are being your truest self. Still, this "feel good" stuff has not elliviated all the angst.
Back to the manifesting. It seems that one must be very specific and ever mindful of the thoughts banging around inside. So, while I am indeed living "the musician's life" fully again, I am also finding myself riddled with concern over how I will maintiain it, grow it to the income level that will not only support me, but my child and eventually that wonderful woman I keep speaking of. Not to mention providing for many things I (like many self employed people) have done without, like health insurance, savings, retirement and on and on. My vision was only partially conceptualized when I spoke my truth that day and thus is presenting itself as what I am "seeing" today. Now, I must clarify even more, find that voice and speak to the "whatever you want to call it" again.
Knowing exactly what you want is a challenge, at least for me, so this process is one that will obviously need refining OFTEN along the way. Balancing one's desires along side life's requirements is tricky as well and plays heavily in this scenario. I have made tangible progress (with support and encouragement...yes, from that wonderful woman among others and through different readings), but have a ways to go. I do now understand more fully and know with more certainty that what I live comes down to what I believe and CHOOSE. Today I am choosing to be less fearful and to trust that along with being given the passion, skill and desire to be who I am, I have also been given the ways and means to achieve it...with work and diligence. What will you choose? What truth will you speak to the "whatever you want to call it"???