I have not typically been the type to spend a great deal of time hashing over the past. "What's done is done" in my book. Moving into a New Year has less outward significance to me, or so it would seem, than many of my counterparts. Conversations about this very subject recently have led me inward, questioning whether this lack of outward significance is just covering up a larger issue. While I have not come to any conclusions, it is clear that for whatever reasons - conscious or not - I have chosen not to look over my shoulder at the road behind me too closely or for very long. That is up until now. For the last few weeks I have been in a "space" that is hard to describe, both because of it's ethereal nature and frankly because I am not familiar with this particular brand of self-scrutiny.
At this precise moment in my now 58 year long quest for God knows what, I am at the strangest and yet possibly most important crossroads ever. It is not merely a time for assessing a year's worth of victories and defeats, gains and losses, brilliance and buffoonery. No, for me it feels like a time of reckoning for the entire span of my existence on this planet. The most apparent result of that process so far is what, for want of a better term, I must label as the lack of evidence of success. Now I am not speaking simply in terms of money in the bank, or other tangible, measurable results. It is of a deeper, more intrinsic nature; closer to feeling that one is not living up to his/her potential or doing what he/she is meant to do... and knowing it, without necessarily being able to say just why. The word Malaise come to mind.
What to do? Damn good question. Don't think I haven't asked it, over and over in may differing iterations. Maybe the answers have come and I have been too caught up in this fog to hear them or see them. Maybe I haven't asked them the right way. Maybe I already know what it is and am just too stubborn, afraid, or ignorant to realize it. None of that really matters. What does matter is can I be persistent enough and willing enough to let go to eventually set my eyes upon a clear and unwavering vision of just what the hell it is my soul yearns to do. I hope so.
Making resolutions, plans, setting goals, these are all things successful people do religiously and assess, alter and restate them often. I on the other hand, have found all that to be distasteful and a pain in the ass really. No wonder, when I have never truly been clear on where I was going or what I was after. I know a lot of this has been through conscious choices I have made, spurred by many different scenarios in my life. Still, on a certain level, I feel as if someone else still pulls some of the strings and that is unsettling.
So, before I promise myself and the world that I will be a new man at the beginning of this year, I suppose clarity is JOB ONE for me. There is such a distinct feeling that I have more to do and contributions to make to the greater good and yet? I sit, staring out my front window almost paralysed from the not knowing or understanding what that is, or how I would achieve it if I knew. This all may sound to you like a pity party and I apologize if it does. In my mind it is mostly an attempt to be as honest with myself as I know how to be regardless of how it sounds. What will come of all this I cannot say tonight. I have ideas, but that's all. How I get from what's in my head to having them happen is going to take more than thought, but I know thoughts are seeds. Hmm... maybe I need to take up gardening?